Bloody evil Sparrowhawk

For the past few days, the bastard thing has been swooping around my garden, and hiding in various places, I always know when its around because of the warning noises, emanating from either of the holly bushes, that the sparrows and tits make, or the fact that not a single bird can be seen at any of the feeding places dotted around my garden. I've chased it off successfully at least half a dozen times, once I didn't even know it was there and it shot out of my willow tree and almost flew into me to get away. So this morning, I just happened to be passing the bedroom window, and I saw something shoot past towards my porch. Went to the door and there was a huge pool of blood. I walked down the path thinking it had got a poor little bluetit from my hogs dish, and it had got one of my adult male blackbirds. It's one of the worst things ever that has upset me in nature, and there have been a few I can tell you. He was still alive, I mean about 3 or 4 minutes had passed since it had been caught, the hawk was ripping its feathers out on the lawn behind a bush. The blackbird looked at me and screamed and screamed - it was one of the two tame males, I could almost hand feed him. The hawk saw me and flew off with my bird. I tell you now, I cried and sobbed for around 15 minutes. If only I had gone straight to the front door, I may have been able to save him. Why oh why didn't I? That noise is going to haunt me for a long time, and the pleading look that poor bloody bird gave me, it was crying to me to help it. I have made myself ill today because I cried so hard. I've had a splitting headache ever since. Why do those bloody hawks get birds that you only have a few of? If it was blue tit or a sparrow, a jackdaw (why don't they take jackdaws - there are dozens of them around, and they don't take any notice of them at all) then it wouldn't be quite so upsetting as a bird you have become attached to and even named. I thought at first it was Jake, the one with the broken foot, but it wasn't, he appeared later, so it was probably the one who nested with my very tame hen in the hedge of the garden behind. I bloody hate sparrowhawks, I really do. Can you imagine the fear and pain that poor bird went through before it died? I read that a collared dove, which seem to be their first choice of dinner, takes up to 20 minutes to die as they are being torn apart alive. Can you imagine how it must feel? Like being got by a Lion or Tiger, and knowing that you've had it, and being mauled and torn to pieces? Nature is a bastard.

So now I am not going to feed birds in the front porch anymore, I shall only put the dish out for the hogs and bring anything that's left over in first thing in the morning, they are trapped there obviously, didn't see it coming and no chance of escape. At least the other places they may have half a chance. I still feel sick. Sorry about this post, and no doubt I'll get all the comments about oh it has to eat, it's nature, but I don't want to know. It can piss off and get hit by a car as it swoops to kill something else, sooner the better. And that goes for the evil black cat that is lurking here every bloody time I look out too.