WARNING - DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EATING, HAVE JUST EATEN OR ARE ABOUT TO EAT!
Okay, so you were warned. Picture the scene, 4am, me fast asleep, snoring probably, and suddenly am aware in my sleep of this godawful smell. Slowly come to and think OMG Emma has done the worst smelling fart ever. Still only half awake, the smell didn't fade like a normal fart does, so I switched the light on. 4.10 am. Emma absent from bedroom. So now I need a wee. Pad bare-footed toward the bathroom, smell by now nearly making me vommit. Carpet feels wet. Turn on hall light, and can't see anything untoward. Emma appears from kitchen, so let her out front door. Switch on bathroom light, and see about 9 piles of wet sloppy shite all over the floor. Oh great, ah well, at least it's on the lino, not too bad really to clear up with a load of bog roll and wet-wipes. Then notice dollops on hall carpet. Not easy, because sloppy shite is same colour as hall carpet. Sigh, decide I need hygenic wipes from kitchen. Pad into kitchen (still barefooted) and wade through an inch deep puddle of pee. Use half a toilet roll to mop up, thank god no more shite. Emma now back in kitchen, wagging happily waiting for her biscuit. Yeah right. Get on the mat and stay! Clear all this up. Still awful awful stench, spray air freshner everywhere. Glance through gap in door into living room and in half light from the hall can see what was the worst bit. She has crapped all over my lovely newish sheepskin-effect fluffy white rug. The bulk of it was on there, what I had mopped previously was just the tip of the iceberg. Absolutely gutted. Managed to swab some of it off with bog roll. Got loads on my hands. Decided to give up, folded up rug and put outside front door till morning. Several more dollops spotted on living room carpet. Now 5 am.
Put Emma's beanbag in kitchen. Made coffee. Turned off kitchen light. Went back to bed. Drunk coffee, listening to scratching of paint coming off kitchen door. Ignored. Turn off bedroom light and attempt to go back to sleep. Toss, turn for over an hour. Finally managed to fall asleep till 7.30. Woke to hear snoring coming from kitchen. Make plans for future. It's not gonna happen again. Trouble is cos of the birds in living room, I can't shut the door right up at night, it will be too hot with the storage heater blasting out. And I can't shut her in the bedroom with me, as I need ventilation, can't open window due to inconsiderate neighbours, would never get enough undisturbed sleep. So it means either she sleeps in the kitchen permanently, which seems like a good idea, or I put a gate across just outside my bedroom door so she can only go from here into the kitchen.
And yeah, I know, poor Emma, but the thing is, she never attempted to wake me to ask to go out. She went out just before midnight for a wee, so where the hell has all that come from, I mean there was like two pints of pee all over the floor. She never ate anything at all whilst we were out yesterday, never went in the water either, so what has upset her stomach? Normal diet. And never mind poor her, what about me, I feel crap through lack of sleep, worried for her and what to do for the best, and now I've got to probably have a go at hosing the shit off the rug outside and see if it will wash off, I can't afford to throw a near-new £30 rug in the dustbin. :(