As you might have gathered from my last blog, I'm not in the best of moods again at the moment. I wouldn't say I was badly depressed, but maybe slightly. I am currently experiencing all kinds of things, both mentally and physically, and can't quite put my finger on the problem. I think I am still a bit rundown after the chicken pox, I dunno. I have had a slight headache now for four days, which doesn't help. Plus my back is breaking, having to take pain killers, which is something I rarely resort to because of the side effects. I wake up in the morning, and if it weren't for the birds outside with no food, I swear I could just stay in bed and sleep all day. I can't be bothered to do anything, go anywhere, no motivation or enthusiasm for anything. Am really having to force myself to take Emma out. Thank god I have her, else I wouldn't have a life at all. Just food shopping, the highlight of my sad little life. I guess I feel bloody lonely, but on the other hand, I don't want commitment, and the problems and hassles it brings. But I get pissed off everywhere I go, even walking Emma, and everyone else is in couples, even two women, at least they have some company. It's always just me on my own nowadays, and in the future, unless I do something about it, it will always be me on my own. I just keep thinking of all the things in life that I would like to do, and instead am stuck here in this bloody great rut and no way out of it unless I win the lottery. How pathetic is that? I want to travel, to see the world, to do stuff before I am too old and too bloody crippled to do anything. I'm already living the life of an OAP, and am bored bored bored. I know most people aren't living the life of riley, but I should be able to enjoy myself now and again, surely that's not too much to ask is it? Otherwise, what's the point of it all?
The only time I feel happy lately is when I am eating something yummy and then I feel pissed off because I have put on weight. It's still creeping on, so I can't eat anything other than the pure boring basics otherwise I put on about a pound a week. Nearly two stone now has gone on since this time last year. I keep getting the shakes too which is slightly worrying, trembling, hard to explain, but if I eat something sweet, it makes me feel better instantly. Points to diabetes I think, but the tests always say borderline. Or maybe my thyroid, but that's recently been checked, something not right. Maybe my brain.
Oh well enough already. I took Emma round the castle at Newcastle Emlyn, haven't been there for a while, no sign of the Canada Geese today, but there were some interesting ducks on the far bank, but without my glasses couldn't really make out exactly what they were, but I think it was a Muscovy drake and his two ladies, never seen them there before, wonder if they have escaped from somewhere, not normally seen on the side of a raging river are they?