It was my neighbour's funeral today. From 11 am I watched as car loads of people arrived dressed in the traditional black. She certainly had a large family. I knew she had two sons and two daughters but I think it may have been more. Plus their children, her grand children, and even great grandchildren. Also brothers in law, sisters in law. I don't know how they all fitted in the house. I am such a masochist too, I knew I would be upset when I saw the hearse arrive again, but I still had to watch, and of course I cried like hell when 6 strapping young men, who I think were her grandsons, carried out her coffin to the car. There were some lovely flowers. They all left at 1.30pm. I couldn't do anything before that, I felt it would be somehow disrespectful to be making a noise, hoovering or washing, so I just watched from the bedroom window until they had all gone. Got on with my housework, then took Emma round the park.
I am feeling very down again at the moment, bored out of my brains, undecided what to do with my life, fed up because of not being able to see mum when I want, fed up with feeling ill and in pain with my back and legs, life is just so monotonous, doing the same stuff, day in, day out. And not what I want to be doing either, but I see no way out of it at present without making some very drastic changes, and then scared that they will make things even worse. Nothing is working out for me lately. I guess Irene leaving isn't helping. All these years I've lived here, and really it's only the last year that we have become such good friends, I have someone to do stuff with and go places and things in common, and now she is going 300 miles away. Another era of my life passing, somewhere I've been going to for 13 years, and once she is gone, doubt I'll ever go there again, no reason too, (I used to live opposite) Too painful, too many memories and regrets that I try to ignore and not think about when I go to see her, so shan't want to see it all if I have no need to. No more walking the fields with Emma. Yesterday for the first time, we walked with her 4 dogs too, and it was nice, and fun. Not for much longer. I want someone to wave a magic wand, and transport my bungalow and garden and my aviary and everything I have here back to somewhere nice and rural and countrified but within about 10 miles of where my mum is, but I doubt that place exists. If only wishes could come true.